“You’re not the same person I married.”
Most couples will say—or at least think—this phrase at some point. In a way, they’re right. The person you married two, ten, or twenty years ago has changed. You have too. That’s what time, experience, and the grace of God do to us.
We grow. We mature. We face loss. We encounter Jesus in new ways. We develop new interests, convictions, and dreams. Although change can feel unsettling, it can also become a sacred opportunity for growth. But what do you do when one of you changes and the other feels left behind?
The good news is that change doesn’t have to drive you apart. In fact, God can use it to strengthen your relationship and help you love one another more like Christ.
We often enter marriage believing we’re committing to a lifetime with the person we married on day one. But life has a way of shaping us. A new job, a health crisis, an unexpected disappointment, a child leaving home, or even a renewed sense of calling—these are the types of moments that can reshape who we are and how we relate to others, especially our spouse.
Change is part of what makes marriage a living thing. When we resist that reality—when we try to freeze our spouse as a past version of themselves—we fight against what God is doing. Paul reminds us that God is always at work, transforming each of us “from one degree of glory to another” (2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV).
Instead of fearing change in our spouse, we can see it as an opportunity for discovery. What new thing might God be transforming in your spouse’s life right now? Change is not a threat to your marriage; it’s a natural part of human experience and a healthy part of a relationship. Expect it.
Marriage Exercise: Take time this week to talk with your spouse about how each of you has changed over the past year. What have you learned about yourself? What have you seen in your spouse? What has God been teaching you?
Curiosity is one of the most underrated forms of love. When we stay curious about who our spouse is becoming, we communicate, “I still want to know you.”
It’s easy to assume we already know our spouse. After all, you’ve shared a home, a bed, a budget, and maybe kids. But marriages grow cold not because people change, but because one or both partners stop paying attention.
Ask questions. Instead of assuming you know what your spouse will say, practice active listening. The goal is to understand who your spouse is becoming. James offers great wisdom for every relationship when he says, “everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19, NIV).
Listening with curiosity keeps your hearts connected as your individual stories shift.
Marriage Exercise: Set aside an evening for an intentional conversation with your spouse. It’s a time to ask good questions, listen without interrupting, and learn who your spouse is becoming. Here are a few questions to help start a meaningful conversation: When do you feel most loved and supported by me? Has there been anything new stirring in your heart? How can we pray for one another?
Grace is what allows change to become a gift rather than a wound, which is true in growth and struggle.
Sometimes, your spouse’s growth can expose insecurities. Maybe they’ve become more confident at work, formed new meaningful friendships, or are more expressive in their faith—and you feel left behind.
Or maybe they’ve changed in a way that feels confusing or even frustrating. Life can also reshape us in ways that make us more self-protective, impatient, distracted, or distant from God. Stress, grief, temptation, or disappointment can pull us away from who we want to be.
When those kinds of changes surface in marriage, extending grace doesn’t mean we pretend everything is fine. But it does mean we call out what is unhealthy without withdrawing affection. Offering grace includes both compassion and conviction.
But what does extending God’s grace in marriage look like practically? Writing in the tone of friendship, Paul encourages us to live with humility and gentleness, patience and love, so that peace can keep unity amid differences (Ephesians 4:1–3). Humility and gentleness help you resist the urge to compete or prove yourself. Patience and love show up when you don’t understand your spouse’s changes. And peace steadies your heart, helping you protect unity when emotions run high or outcomes feel uncertain.
In those moments of growth and struggle, grace reminds us that we don’t need to compete or control. When approached with grace, change can strengthen marital love. It can teach you to value your spouse’s differences, rediscover what drew you to your spouse, and rely on God’s faithfulness. You can trust that God’s grace is at work in both of you.
Marriage Exercise: Before you bring up a concern or frustration, talk to God first. Ask him to help you extend the same grace he has given you.
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