“You’re not the same person I married.”
Most couples will say—or at least think—this phrase at some point. In a way, they’re right. The person you married two, ten, or twenty years ago has changed. You have too. That’s what time, experience, and the grace of God do to us.
We grow. We mature. We face loss. We encounter Jesus in new ways. We develop new interests, convictions, and dreams. Although change can feel unsettling, it can also become a sacred opportunity for growth. But what do you do when one of you changes and the other feels left behind?
The good news is that change doesn’t have to drive you apart. In fact, God can use it to strengthen your relationship and help you love one another more like Christ.
We often enter marriage believing we’re committing to a lifetime with the person we married on day one. But life has a way of shaping us. A new job, a health crisis, an unexpected disappointment, a child leaving home, or even a renewed sense of calling—these are the types of moments that can reshape who we are and how we relate to others, especially our spouse.
Change is part of what makes marriage a living thing. When we resist that reality—when we try to freeze our spouse as a past version of themselves—we fight against what God is doing. Paul reminds us that God is always at work, transforming each of us “from one degree of glory to another” (2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV).
Instead of fearing change in our spouse, we can see it as an opportunity for discovery. What new thing might God be transforming in your spouse’s life right now? Change is not a threat to your marriage; it’s a natural part of human experience and a healthy part of a relationship. Expect it.
Marriage Exercise: Take time this week to talk with your spouse about how each of you has changed over the past year. What have you learned about yourself? What have you seen in your spouse? What has God been teaching you?
Curiosity is one of the most underrated forms of love. When we stay curious about who our spouse is becoming, we communicate, “I still want to know you.”
It’s easy to assume we already know our spouse. After all, you’ve shared a home, a bed, a budget, and maybe kids. But marriages grow cold not because people change, but because one or both partners stop paying attention.
Ask questions. Instead of assuming you know what your spouse will say, practice active listening. The goal is to understand who your spouse is becoming. James offers great wisdom for every relationship when he says, “everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19, NIV).
Listening with curiosity keeps your hearts connected as your individual stories shift.
Marriage Exercise: Set aside an evening for an intentional conversation with your spouse. It’s a time to ask good questions, listen without interrupting, and learn who your spouse is becoming. Here are a few questions to help start a meaningful conversation: When do you feel most loved and supported by me? Has there been anything new stirring in your heart? How can we pray for one another?
Grace is what allows change to become a gift rather than a wound, which is true in growth and struggle.
Sometimes, your spouse’s growth can expose insecurities. Maybe they’ve become more confident at work, formed new meaningful friendships, or are more expressive in their faith—and you feel left behind.
Or maybe they’ve changed in a way that feels confusing or even frustrating. Life can also reshape us in ways that make us more self-protective, impatient, distracted, or distant from God. Stress, grief, temptation, or disappointment can pull us away from who we want to be.
When those kinds of changes surface in marriage, extending grace doesn’t mean we pretend everything is fine. But it does mean we call out what is unhealthy without withdrawing affection. Offering grace includes both compassion and conviction.
But what does extending God’s grace in marriage look like practically? Writing in the tone of friendship, Paul encourages us to live with humility and gentleness, patience and love, so that peace can keep unity amid differences (Ephesians 4:1–3). Humility and gentleness help you resist the urge to compete or prove yourself. Patience and love show up when you don’t understand your spouse’s changes. And peace steadies your heart, helping you protect unity when emotions run high or outcomes feel uncertain.
In those moments of growth and struggle, grace reminds us that we don’t need to compete or control. When approached with grace, change can strengthen marital love. It can teach you to value your spouse’s differences, rediscover what drew you to your spouse, and rely on God’s faithfulness. You can trust that God’s grace is at work in both of you.
Marriage Exercise: Before you bring up a concern or frustration, talk to God first. Ask him to help you extend the same grace he has given you.
Some of the most heart-wrenching circumstances that plague women and couples today are infertility and child loss. One in five women is impacted by infertility, and twenty percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. Not only that, but there are over 24,000 babies who are stillborn in the United States every year. It can feel impossible to know how to help someone grieve through such trauma.
What do you say when a friend’s heart is broken, and you don’t know how to fix it? What can you do when someone you love is struggling with something you’ve never experienced?
Fortunately, walking with people we love through grief and sadness doesn’t require perfect answers. As believers, we recognize that offering comfort, compassion, and prayer are all actions that can aid in someone’s healing process. In 2 Corinthians 1:3–4, Paul describes how God comforts us in our afflictions and makes it possible for us to offer the comfort we’ve received to other people in need. Since the Spirit has comforted us time and time again, he gives us what we need to support those in our lives who are grieving.
Let’s look at a few ways we can walk alongside those suffering from infertility, miscarriage, child loss, and childlessness.
When someone’s hurting, it’s natural for us to want to jump in and try to fix what’s broken. We want to be helpful and show our friends that we care by doing what we assume is best—but often, some of the most meaningful moments come from simply being present. Sitting with someone and letting them cry, vent, and grieve over the loss of their child can be the best form of support. In many cases, women and couples who are grieving child loss want to feel less alone and know that people are willing to sit in the pain with them.
Here are some practical ways we can practice the power of presence with someone who’s grieving:
Being present with people in times of need reflects God’s promise of presence with us. Jesus told his disciples before his departure in Matthew 28:20, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (NIV). If we want to reflect the actions of Jesus, then being present is a good way to start.
Our words can either be healing or add more wounds, whether intended or not. When we encounter someone else’s grief, we are often so eager to help that we say the first thing that comes to mind. But when have you experienced well-intended words that landed sharply in your ear? The last thing we want to do as believers is make our grieving friends and family feel dismissed by what we say to them.
When women are grieving a miscarriage or infertility, it’s best to stay away from platitudes like “You can always try again” or “You’re not the first to go through this, so you’re in good company.” These phrases can minimize their experience instead of making them feel seen and validated in their sadness. They imply that people can quickly move on to the “acceptance” stage of their grief, but in reality, we don’t know how long it will take for them to grieve what’s happened.
Here are some practical ways to know what to say (and what not to say):
James 1:19 instructs us to be quick to listen and slow to speak. With our grieving friends, we can wait to offer advice and be more eager to listen and understand—not just respond. If we want to support our friends who are grieving, we can prioritize listening over speaking.
We can also direct our grieving friends and family to trustworthy resources. Whether it be to organizations, literature about miscarriage, or therapy, turning to professionals can help the healing process.
One such resource is the Legacy Place, an organization that serves couples who are navigating infertility, miscarriage, child loss, and childlessness not by choice. By providing opportunities for couples to find connection, hope, and healing, the Legacy Place helps couples know they aren’t alone in their grieving and that healing in community can be transformative for their overall health.
Legacy Place has a five-session series available on RightNow Media for struggling couples called Legacy Forward: Marriages Facing Infertility and Pregnancy Loss.
Each session of this series will help couples:
Whether you or someone you know is struggling with grief, seeking encouragement, or longing for a renewed sense of purpose, this series will equip couples to step forward in hope—together.
Experiencing child loss, or walking with someone through child loss, will never be simple. But the Spirit of God is here to help us use our words wisely and will do the hard work (that we cannot do) to heal our loved ones in his timing. We need to show up, stay consistent, and offer a comforting place for their thoughts to land.
If you’ve experienced miscarriage or are struggling with infertility, remember that your story matters to God, and he is willing to bear the weight of your grief.
Whether we know it or not, Jesus’s words in Matthew 18 may be ringing in our ears as we consider this question:
Then Peter approached him and asked, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? As many as seven times?” “I tell you, not as many as seven,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven” (Matt 18:21–22, CSB).
Problem solved, right? We always have to forgive.
Not quite.
In a similar exchange recorded in Luke, Jesus qualifies the forgiveness his followers must offer to those who repent:
“Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3–4).
Repentance appears to be a necessary condition for forgiveness. So, we’re off the hook for forgiving people if they’re unrepentant?
Again, not quite.
To forgive someone is to “remove the guilt as a result of wrongdoing,”[1] not out of a fear of confrontation or a willingness to sweep an infraction under the rug, but out of compassion. God’s people are to be the kinds of people eager to restore relationships with those who’ve wronged them.
Jesus illustrated this type of forgiveness in Matthew 18 with a parable about a king who forgave his servant’s debt. Just before the king punished the servant for his unpaid debt (vv. 24–25), the servant repented (v. 26), and the master “had compassion, released him, and forgave him the loan” (v. 27). The king and the servant were then on good terms.
However, the servant later demonstrated that his repentance was false. Immediately after being forgiven, the servant found someone who owed him a debt and threw him in prison (vv. 28–30). When the king found out, he threw his servant in jail to be tortured, with Jesus concluding, “So also my heavenly Father will do to you unless every one of you forgives his brother or sister from your heart” (v. 35).
By definition, forgiveness depends on genuine repentance.
Christians are called to emulate God by perpetually offering forgiveness to those who are unrepentant. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). God always has forgiveness on offer—and there is nothing we can do to make him remove that offer.
But for God’s forgiveness to “activate”—to become true about us and remove our guilt—we must repent. We must recognize our sin and turn to God. And while God wants everyone to repent and avoid eternal punishment, he doesn’t indiscriminately apply forgiveness to all people (2 Pet 3:9). People can reject God’s offer of forgiveness.
So, what does this dynamic between forgiveness and repentance mean for us?
While we’re not called to absolve someone of wrongdoing without their repentance, we are called to be the kinds of people who are eager and willing to forgive those who admit their sin against us.
For some of us, specific faces come to mind when we consider trying to forgive unrepentant people. We may not describe ourselves as “willing” and “eager” to forgive them, but that’s what Jesus calls us to do.
To use a familiar saying: How do we stay ready, so we don’t have to get ready? What does it look like to cultivate an attitude that is eager to offer forgiveness?
How often do you pray for the people who’ve wronged you? What thoughts about them most often come to mind? Praying for someone to repent so you can reconcile is difficult. It’s easy to pray for our enemies’ downfall, but genuinely praying for those who have wounded us requires intention and practice.
Set aside some time in your prayers and ask God to soften the hearts of specific people in your life who need to repent. And ask God to soften your heart toward them so you can persevere in praying for their repentance.
Sometimes it’s hard to imagine how a reconciling conversation with an offender might go. Their repentance seems so far-fetched that you haven’t even considered what you’d say if they came to you and asked for forgiveness.
Imagine what would happen if a text from “that person” popped up on your phone asking for forgiveness. What would you feel in that moment? Why? What would be the wise, Jesus-like response? Consider what your reaction says about you and spend time thinking about what you’ll say and do when forgiveness calls.
While we’re waiting for specific people to ask us for forgiveness, there may be times when those close to us repent, and we’re still hesitant to forgive. Whether it’s an unkind word from a spouse, a friend’s consistent tardiness, or a child’s repeated mistake, people wrong us all the time, and they often ask us to forgive them. How do we typically respond?
Not only should we forgive when asked, but how we feel about forgiving them reveals a lot about our hearts. Like God, we should have “joy” when someone repents (Luke 15:7). As we joyfully forgive those in our lives who ask for it, perhaps our attitude toward those who don’t will change for the better.
So, is it okay not to forgive someone? Ultimately, no one is off the hook for forgiveness. However, Jesus calls us to something more than the cheap forgiveness that helps us “move on” or makes us feel better. He wants us to be genuinely invested in the good of others, even those who’ve hurt us.
If we want to be the kinds of people who are eager to forgive, we need to also be people who eagerly model the repentance we’re waiting for. As we work to repent when we hurt people, perhaps our attitudes will soften toward those who struggle to repent when they hurt us. The entire exchange is covered in grace, for us and for those we’re waiting to forgive.
[1] Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, “40.8 ἀφίημι´ἄφεσις, εωσ´ἀπολύω,” in Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains, 2nd ed. (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996).
My husband jokes that the only difference between a toddler and a middle schooler is the need for potty training. With the pendulum of emotions and smells that pervade our home raising a ten-, twelve-, and fourteen-year-old, I must agree.
While keeping a toddler alive and happy is its own kind of hard, parenting preteens and teens feels next level. These pre-adults are dealing with hormones and the emotions that come along for the ride. They crave privacy and independence. They may experiment with pushing boundaries. They have the influence of friends invading a space that used to be mom and dad’s domain.
And although our kids still need us, they need us in a different way. How are we to navigate this new phase?
Here are seven practices to help you navigate the preteen and teen years of parenting:
Between school, sports, clubs, and youth events you may find yourself in the car with your teen more than any other place. Although Uber driver and social activities coordinator may not be impressive on your work resume, being present for those drive times with your teen is important.
One way to engage your teen during these car rides is to ask thoughtful questions. Not “How was your day?” but “How was that test?” Pay attention to what your teen values. You may still be met with a grunt but your teen hearing you ask about a specific part of their day that is important to them matters even if all they do is grunt back, “good.”
Toddlers are little chatterboxes. They ask questions and—before we have responded to their first question—they ask a second and third question. As children age, their questions and chatter slow. The worlds they readily welcomed us to be a part of become more exclusive. Friends become their sounding board. Their incessant outer dialogue and curiosity move inward.
That can be hard to take in, but it just means we need to listen and pay attention both to what they are saying and what they are not saying. Has your daughter stopped talking about her best friend? Did your son mention an audition coming up? Are they really excited about a playoff game? Your kids may not be as free with their words these days, but by paying attention, you’ll be ready for those moments when they open up to respond in a way that says, “I’m listening.”
In the classic movie The Princess Bride, Buttercup learns that the farm boy Westley is saying, “I love you,” every time he responds to her requests with “As you wish.” One of the loudest ways we can say to our teens and preteens that we love them is by being present. Save the phone call for later. Delay the email. Sign off social media. Be in the moment with your kids. That time with your kids—even if they are reluctant to engage in conversation—speaks, “I love you” even louder than Westley’s “As you wish.”
When our kids were little, we often put them in time out for poor choices. This five-minute punishment was our way of helping them understand the consequences of their actions. And it usually worked well. It can be tempting to think the same approach will work for our preteens and teens.
In their search for identity, our kids will make mistakes. Time-outs won’t work and neither will verbal reprimands. That doesn’t mean their actions are without consequences. They may have to pass on a meet-up with friends or go without tech until they raise their grades, but they don’t necessarily need a polished lecture.
You probably know what I’m talking about. We oftenfeel tempted to start a “When I was your age” Ted Talk when what our kids really need is quiet to process what they are feeling and maybe a well-worded question that helps them think it through.
Ironically, as our kids age, we may need to put ourselves in timeout—our words at least. There are days when I really ought to have James 1:19 tattooed to my wrist. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” This means holding off on the lecture. It means realizing that just like you make mistakes being parents, your kids will make mistakes being kids. It means modeling restraint and understanding.
No parent is perfect. Let that settle in your mind and heart. You will make mistakes—and your teen needs to hear, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” This is an important practice at any stage but especially in a time when your teen may be terrified to be wrong or reluctant to confide in you that she messed up. If you can make mistakes and seek reconciliation, it gives her permission to make mistakes and seek forgiveness.
While kids need their parents at every stage of development, they start to lean on outside voices in their teen years. Because your teens will be listening to the voices of peers and other adults, you must also invite voices of faith into the conversation. Small group leaders. The student pastor. Parents of your teen’s friends. Our teens and preteens need to hear the values you uphold from other people. It sends a message to our kids that sounds something like: “These adults I trust are saying the same things my parents have been saying for years. Maybe there is something to this.”
When my kids were little, I found it easy to turn everyday moments into spiritual ones. “Look at the trees! Who made the trees?” I would ask my toddler crew. They would joyfully reply, “God!” “That’s right,” I’d respond. “God made the trees. Let’s pray and thank God for them.” They would fold their tiny hands and thank God for the trees.
As they’ve aged, those conversations don’t come as naturally. Of course, we can still thank God for the trees, but that suggestion is often met with an eye roll. Despite what may feel awkward, don’t give up on making faith a part of your daily interactions with your teens. Encourage your teen to look for God at work in her day. Thank God for the grace he gave your son to study for a hard test. Encourage your daughter to rely on God when best friends become bullies. We can help our kids see that the God who made the trees is present in the spaces that matter to them.
Parenting teens may not be as harrowing as the toddler years, but there’s a huge learning curve for how we interact with and react to our maturing brood. Lean into the strength that only the Lord can provide and love them well. Learn to listen more than you speak. And point them repeatedly to Christ. Even if they roll their eyes. And refuse to use deodorant.
It’s where large sanctuaries and gathering spaces shrink to the size of living rooms, dining rooms, and back porches; where doctrines and theological abstractions become concrete; and where the “one anothers” that mark the life of the church—“love one another” (John 13:34), “welcome one another” (Rom. 15:7), “live in harmony with one another” (Rom. 12:16), etc.—aren’t just recited but practiced.
But front line ministry isn’t easy. Small groups are among the most demanding ministries in our churches and can be challenging, draining, and rote—especially for group leaders. What can leaders do when their group runs into a dry patch?
Compared to the rest of the year, summer is a time when most people retreat from work or school, go on vacation, and relax. But the weeks and months leading up to summertime? Busy. Overscheduled. Frantic. And like it or not, regular small group meetings can add to the overwhelm we and our group members might feel.
One strategy group leaders can adopt to avoid the stress is to implement a “spring break.” Scheduling a planned break or two during busy parts of the year can help group members catch their breath and rest. And sometimes, rest is the most spiritual thing we can do.
Some of our fondest, most vivid memories have occurred around a table. The table is a place of belonging, and what happens there—the stories, the laughter, the prayers, the food—is often as formative as anything we do in our small groups.
If you find that your group has lost some of its “oomph,” consider breaking from your normal routine to break bread together. Engage in table fellowship. Prepare a meal together. Sit around a table together. Give thanks. Bless one another. Remember the Lord’s faithfulness together. Through the food and the fellowship, “taste and see that the Lord is good” (Ps. 34:8).
In small groups, it’s natural to become an insular community. The time we spend praying, studying, weeping, celebrating, and singing with one another binds us together and forms us into our own little enclave. And that’s good! But if we aren’t careful, we can lose touch with what’s going on outside the walls of our meetings.
One thing you can do to keep your group energized and engaged is to serve your neighborhood or community together, either through your church or a local ministry. Service can be a great opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus for your neighbors outside the group.
When a group’s Bible study becomes dull or flat, it can be frustrating and distressing. But it happens even in the best, most vibrant groups—especially if you’ve been together for a while. So, what do you do when your group’s study feels rote?
Reading books together is a great way to introduce change while still exercising your group’s “study muscles.” Discuss with your group what book would be best. It could be non-fiction or fiction (I’m a big believer in the formative power of fiction), whichever best suits your group.
Have you ever tried your hand at spiritual disciplines like silence and solitude, fasting, meditating on Scripture, or observing the sabbath? These “disciplines” (and others) have a way of heightening our awareness of God’s presence with us and his grace toward us. Practicing them in community can give our faith the jolt it needs.
What could it look like for your group to engage in a spiritual discipline together? To what extent might fasting or memorizing Scripture together provide a needed change? Consider pitching the idea to your group the next time you gather.
For many of us, small-group ministry is the lifeblood of the church. It’s where we go to experience fellowship and accountability, be ministered to, confess our sins, bless and be blessed, and receive prayer. Yet as rich as our experience with small groups can be, it can also become overly routine and even stale—at the fault of no one. Ministry is just plain hard sometimes. But there are steps we can take to keep our group environments fresh and provide a vibrant, formative space for the Spirit to work on us and our group members as we gather each week.
Childhood companions moved states away. College roommates got married and started having kids. Coworkers built houses, traveled the world, and moved on to other jobs. All of a sudden, my peers and I occupied different life stages, and I wondered if my friendships would ever be the same.
In many ways, I felt like my friendships were dying as they changed. I lost the time, energy, or focused attention my relationships used to offer. Keeping up with friends became more difficult between packed work schedules, kids’ naptimes and bedtimes, and date nights. Even more, the gap of understanding between me and my friends widened. I struggled to relate to a newlywed’s life or to a family welcoming their third child.
When we go through any major life change—getting married, having kids, changing churches, etc.—even our closest relationships shift, sometimes slightly, sometimes by a lot. If we’re blindsided by how our relationships adjust, we might be tempted to be angry, take offense easily, or even despair about our friendship.
How we approach inevitable change comes down to our attitude. We can either choose hope or not.
When we embrace change as integral to all relationships, we can joyfully accept change as a gift. We can take time to grieve what the relationship used to be, but we can also move forward expectantly, eager to see what God has in store for the new phase of our friendship. And we can enjoy where we and our friends are today—seeing someone we love build a marriage or holding a new baby can be a true joy.
Just as we know our friendships will change as our lives change, we also know they will change again. If you’re upset with where your relationships are now, first ask if there’s something you can do about it. Pray about the people you’re close to. Then, remind yourself that you always have hope. While our relationships change, we know our unchanging God will always stay the same and is always with us. He is working in the world and our lives, and he can sustain us like no other friend.
In any friendship—but especially with those who are in different life stages—we can be tempted to sugar-coat our lives. Maybe we don’t want others to know what’s really going on with our kids. Or maybe we downplay how fun the single life can be out of fear of hurting our friend who is married. Or maybe we’re struggling with our expectations—marriage hasn’t been all it’s cracked up to be, parenting is much more difficult than imagined, or the new job isn’t all that great.
No matter the reason, it is easy to create wedges between ourselves and the people we care about by avoiding the truth. We do a disservice to each other when we only talk about the positives of our lives or when we don’t talk about how we’re really doing. Dishonesty makes people think we’re fine when we’re not, or that the life stage we’re in is better than it actually is.
Good friends can handle the truth. In fact, they want to know the truth. And they want to know what you need and how they can support you. A godly person will not lord their life stage over you, nor will they judge you for struggling where you are now. We can be good, kind friends by both telling the truth and accepting the truth.
Changing life stages creates a gap in understanding. Non-parents struggle to understand the struggles of parenthood. Single people and married couples will continue to misunderstand each other’s schedules and rhythms of life. But we can extend grace to each other even when we do not understand or are not understood.
But how do we give each other grace? We start with our own expectations. Do we expect our friends to give us the same time and attention as before? Their life is changing, and, because we are friends, we can adjust too.
We can join our friends in their world and invite them into ours.
Single people can be included in family nights and married friends can join a girls or guys night out. And when we misunderstand each other, we can offer grace and assume the best.
Maintaining and strengthening changing relationships comes down to intentionality. When we deliberately choose to pursue our friends with hope, truth, and grace, we can enjoy the good friendships God’s given us as they are.
The busyness of getting our kids ready for school, going to work, and shuttling them to extracurricular activities seems to speed up the short time we have with our kids. We know teaching our kids about Jesus is important, but we don’t often have time to plan or walk through family devotionals. Thankfully, there is the summer.
You may not think of how perfect the summer is for discipling your kids. The season gives us both the space to consider how we disciple our kids and the time to set good habits before the busyness of fall.
When we think of summer discipleship, our minds may race to big events like summer camp or vacation Bible school. But discipleship doesn’t have to be a production. God transforms lives at summer camps, but he also works powerfully in little moments of faithfulness throughout a normal day.
Like Paul says in Ephesians 5:16, “making the most of the time because the days are evil.” The original Greek literally tells us to “redeem moments, because the days are evil.” As a parent, all you have to do is use little moments throughout the day to teach your kids about Jesus.
The most impactful testimony to your children about Jesus will be the way you follow him. During the summer, they will likely be with you more than usual, watching how you live out your faith. Can they see your daily spiritual habits? Do you show them grace when they act out or when airline delays mess up your vacation plans? Your interactions and reactions can teach your children far more than sermons.
But be ready. Your kids will do more than watch you. They will ask you questions about the way you treat others, the Bible, church, and God. You are their most trusted resource. But that doesn’t mean you have to know all of the answers to their questions. Be willing to admit when you don’t know something, and make sure that you follow up by seeking answers with your kids to their big questions.
Having no homework and too much free time in the summer can result in our kids over-indulging in video games or social media. Unplugging and taking a break from technology can create space for more meaningful connections and conversations. Instead of getting buried in your devices after dinner, make a summer habit of enjoying an evening walk with your family. You could even make the car a screen-free zone, choosing instead to listen to redeeming podcasts together or talk about the day with your kids.
When you do watch TV, consider replacing what you normally watch with something that will point your kids to Jesus, like The Slugs and Bugs Show, Worship in the Word, or Stories from the Storyteller.
The summer presents a welcome chance to untether from our weekly commitments. But while we may be thrilled to be done with after-school carpools, there are some weekly staples that we should make a point to hold on to. Even if the summer is busy, prioritizing family dinners, church attendance, and time together is well worth the effort. Everything can change during the summer, but what stays the same is often the most impactful.
The summer is a perfect time to invest in your children’s spiritual growth by sending them to a sleep-away camp, vacation Bible school, or a mission trip. But what they learn at camp shouldn’t stay at camp.
You can help your child take what they experienced at camp or on a mission trip and let it influence the rest of the year. Talk to your kids about what they learned and help them apply it to their everyday lives. For example, if your child memorized a Bible verse, have them write it on a notecard and tape it to the bathroom mirror as a daily reminder of God’s love for them.
Summer offers us a space to get out of the regular habits of the school year. It can be a nice reprieve and an excuse to get very busy. But no matter your schedule, you still have little moments every day to influence your children toward Christ. God can turn our little moments of faithfulness into a lifetime of our kids following him.
If you struggle to know how to talk to your kids about spiritual topics or how to answer their questions about God, check out Natasha Crain’s series, Talking with Your Kids about Jesus in the RightNow Media library.
As teenagers and young adults, my peers and I were often encouraged to think ahead regarding what sort of qualities we wanted in a future spouse.
Loves Jesus Check.
Handsome/Pretty Wowza.
Funny LOL.
Smart Brilliant.
Rich Has potential.
Similar interests Amazingly, he/she loves all my favorite activities!
The List had levels, of course. Spiritual qualities ranked above physical attributes (or did they?), followed by all things we would have in common, along with more “mature” characteristics that would enable us to succeed in life. Our lists hid inside journals or got lost in computer files. Some of us tried to forget them entirely.
Eventually, my friends and I graduated from mere daydreaming and began experiencing the adult dating life, for better or worse. The older we got, the more we evaluated acquaintances and dates as potential spouses. And for those of us who married, we finally got to see how our idealism matched up with reality.
When I realized my dating relationship had some serious potential, I thought back to The List I’d made. He was good looking, loved Jesus (see that order?), smart, had so much in common with me . . . He checked a lot of the boxes. But so had a couple of other guys I’d previously dated. Surely there was something I’d missed.
I turned to a friend with over a decade of marriage experience. “What do I look for? How do I know?”
Among many important characteristics, she told me, don’t neglect one basic quality:
“Is he kind?”
She elaborated: “How does he treat his mother? What little things do you notice about how he acts around other people, including you? Do you see arrogance or gentleness, selfishness or a servant’s heart? When you mess up, how does he react?” Not a concept I’d considered for The List, but she had a point.
Sometimes people misunderstand kindness, thinking of it as somehow weak. But God himself is described as kind, shown in his sending of Jesus. The apostle Paul warned those who would reject Christ: “Do you despise the riches of his kindness, restraint, and patience, not recognizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” (Romans 2:4). God wants us to trust his Son. In Jesus, he shows how eager he is for us to turn toward him, the one who offers new life.
Jesus was often motivated by compassion for the hurting and confused. His hands healed blind eyes and deaf ears, his eyes overflowed in empathetic grief, his teaching brought life to dead hearts. And through the thorns and scourging and nails borne on Calvary, “the kindness of God our Savior and his love for mankind appeared—he saved us . . .” (Titus 3:4–5). The cross was kindness in action.
When we give ourselves to Christ, he gives himself to us through the Spirit. We begin to reflect God’s values in our relationships with others. Paul tells us that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23).
There it is—kindness. Not weak or submissive, but strong and active. Kind people serve others, sometimes at great cost to themselves. Kind spouses put each other first, seeking ways to empower, uplift, energize, and equip the one they committed their lives to.
Kindness is love in action. Healthy relationships simmer like soup on low heat: tiny bubbles of kind acts, some behind the scenes, enrich the flavor and warmth of the relationship. The little things count. No grandiose acts required. Rather, kindness can look like the smallest gesture:
A steaming cup of coffee waiting on the kitchen counter.
A text checking in to see how your appointment went.
Asking a follow-up question after you’ve shared a difficult moment from your day.
An apology for forgetting to do whatever you asked them to help with.
Praising your latest accomplishment to their colleagues.
What does kindness from your spouse look like to you? Don’t be surprised if you have to stop for a few moments to think—not because your spouse isn’t kind, but because often we don’t recognize and acknowledge our spouse’s little acts of love. Once you start noticing, find ways to communicate your appreciation and gratitude.
What kindness have you offered your spouse today? In the days to come, make them feel seen and cared for with small and big gestures. Be intentional in putting him or her first in ways you haven’t considered in the past.
Notice the examples of small kindnesses listed above can apply to any relationship, not just a marriage. All friendships thrive on kindness. How can you show it to your friends, roommates, colleagues, and neighbors?
If you’ve written The List in your mind, on paper, or via your online dating profile, double-check your priorities. My friend’s advice clinched it for me, and I’ve been reaping the benefits for over twenty-five years.
Summertime can feel like an obstacle to overcome for parents of school-aged kids. How do we keep our kids busy without over-scheduling them? How do we manage our own responsibilities while also ensuring our children’s minds don’t wither away from hours of screen time? Can anything keep kids interested, occupied, productive, and even learning during summer vacation?
Remember playdough, finger paint, and crayons? Toddler days were messy! But while the medium may (or may not) change, our kids’ creativity doesn’t. Let’s occupy their busy minds by filling their busy hands with opportunities to create. Adapt the following ideas to the ages and abilities of your children.
Set up a dedicated spot in your home—a table, nook, or entire room if you have it—for artistic endeavors stocked with a supply of paper, pencils, paint, and other creative tools. Name a particular hour of your day as “art class” and explore a passion or talent your child may possess. And if you just can’t handle glitter, paint, or modeling clay, find a friend who can and trade playdates with them. When my kids were between five and twelve years old, I always loved taking them to my friend Susie, who, as an actual artist, was happy for them to join her kids in making a huge mess on her kitchen table. They came home with glittery hair, colorful smudges, and shining eyes as they showed me their newest handmade treasures.
Books are the doorway to the future, exercising children’s imaginations, thinking, comprehension skills, and creativity. Stories help them understand the world and imagine a new world in which they can play a part. The power of reading inspired Dolly Parton, for instance, to create her Imagination Library, which sends a book per month to children from birth to five years old.
While babies are napping, toddlers can enjoy “rest time” with books until they doze off. Older kids can settle down during the heat of the day with a reading hour. Or jazz up your routine with a weekly trip to the library where they can discover new stories and foster a lifelong habit of reading.
Begin with the best book in the world, the Bible. A short time reading God’s Word will start every day with pure goodness. Don’t make it complicated—even opening your physical Bible and then retelling the story in your own words teaches your children the value of hearing from God every day. Let them participate and help you as they are able. Maybe have them draw a picture depicting something from the story that day.
Once they start reading, many children begin dramatizing the stories they love. Do your kids enjoy imitating or quoting their favorite characters and scenes? Clean out your closets and offer your rejects or old favorites to a costume bin. Encourage the kids to act out their morning Bible stories, write screenplays, get into character, and become someone new on stage. Cheer on your cotton ball-bearded Moses and blue sash-draped Mary. Ooh and aah when “Jesus” multiplies the cheese and crackers. Always say yes when they ask if you want to watch.
Reading often leads to writing. Keep old school notebooks from the recycle bin, tear out the used pages, and reuse what’s left as “dreaming and drafting” notebooks. Let your kids’ creative instincts run wild! Don’t worry about penmanship or grammar. When they feel they’ve completed a poem or short story and are ready to share, help them re-write it neatly or even type it into the computer (we can’t ignore sneaking in easy learning). Print out a final version to share with friends and family. Celebrate your child’s imagination and hard work.
Storytelling takes many forms, and video is easily the most popular type of media right now. Disney, for example, rules the screens in many households. The kids will ask to watch their favorite episodes or movies all day long, and we are often tempted to let them vegetate in front of the screen. But why not put the camera—or your iPhone—into their hands instead? Using free apps such as iMovie or InShot, young aspiring producers can learn basic editing skills for photography and video. Movie night can take on a whole new angle.
Let’s encourage our kids to tell stories that reflect their faith and God’s character. The original kids’ series The Creators, a product of the RightNow Media video production team, tells the story of a group of friends who join forces to create films that are “meaningful, virtuous, and good.” The Creators weaves biblical truths into engaging stories with humor and the right dose of seriousness. Perhaps a short time in front of a show will inspire your kids to produce their own series!
When God created humans, he made us in his image (Genesis 1:27). That means we are made to be creators too—it’s part of our DNA and our purpose. Who says we have to wait until we are adults to make wonderful things?
.svg){kind=icon}
